Junior (1994) - Frank fun in outrageous Reitman comedy

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A great star trio join forces for hilarity on this cheeky poster for Ivan Reitman's Junior

When scientists Arbogast and Hesse's project gets shut down, the smaller of the two get the bright idea that the bigger (they are both male) should let himself become impregnated in the lab.

 

Junior is written by Chris Conrad (Love Thy Neighbor (1984, TV movie)) and Kevin Wade (Key Exchange (1985)) and directed by Ivan Reitman (Foxy Lady (1971)).

The plot outline above explains this film, in which Arnold Schwarzenegger (Dave (1993)) gets pregnant and gives birth. The odd couple Danny DeVito (Jack the Bear (1993)) and Schwarzenegger, under the competent leadership of Reitman, once again give vivid life to a simple low-brow comedy. Junior serves gender clichés one after the other, but these are given with such spunk and innocence that one has to enjoy it. There are no shortage of weird and gross scenes in Junior, (not surprisingly given the premise), but the film could have been more fun.

 

Related posts:

Ivan Reitman: Evolution (2001) - Reitman's sci-fi crazy-comedy is thoroughly entertaining

Ghostbusters II (1989) - Reitman's unjustifiably maligned sequel 
Ghostbusters (1984) - Reitman and Co. conjure up the gleeful pomp and circumstance of the 1980s  

 

Watch a trailer for the movie here

 

Cost: 60 mil. $

Box office: 108.4 mil. $

= Big flop (returned 1.80 times its cost)

[Junior was released 14 November (North America) and runs 109 minutes. Schwarzenegger was paid 15 mil. $ for his performance; Emma Thompson (Last Christmas (2019)) got 1.5 mil. $. Shooting took place from April - June 1994 in California, including in Los Angeles and San Francisco. The film opened #4, behind holdover hits The Santa Clause, Star Trek: Generations and Interview with the Vampire, to a 9.8 mil. $ first weekend in North America, where it spent 2 more weekends in the top 5 (#3-#5), grossing 36.7 mil. $ (33.9 % of the total gross). The film fared poorly compared to Reitman's preceding two Schwarzenegger vehicles, Twins (1988, also with DeVito) and Kindergarten Cop (1990), - both exceeded 200 mil. $ at the box office. The film was nominated for an Oscar: Best Song (Look What Love Has Done by Carole Bayer Sager, James Newton Howard, James Ingram and Patty Smyth), lost to Can You Feel the Love Tonight by Elton John and Tim Rice from The Lion King. It was also nominated for 3 Golden Globes, among other honors. Roger Ebert gave the film a 3.5/4 star review, translating to 2 notches over this one. Reitman returned with Father's Day (1997). Schwarzenegger returned in T2 3-D: Battle Across Time (1996, short) and theatrically in Eraser (1996); DeVito in Get Shorty (1995). Junior is rotten at 55 % at Rotten Tomatoes.]

What do you think of Junior?

Jingle All the Way (1996) - Gift-craze Christmas lampooned with fun Schwarzenegger performance

♥♥♥

 

+ Best Christmas Movie of the Year + Best Minnesota Movie of the Year 

 

Wild chaos and colorful lights beam the way on this poster for Brian Levant's Jingle All the Way

A busy businessman and family father disappoints his son yet again, and the only thing that can make it up again is a much coveted action figure for Christmas, - but he's running last minute, and the figure is sold out!

 

Jingle All the Way is written by Randy Kornfield (Bloodknot (1995, TV movie)) and directed by Brian Levant (Problem Child 2 (1991)).

It has a fun, - if extremely materialistic, - premise and struggles to find enough meat to its story for the required timespan, but a huge Christmas parade and all sorts of mix-ups help fill it up. 

Phil Hartman (TaleSpin (1991, TV-series)) is funny as the unctuous 'prize-worthy' family father neighbor, and Jake Lloyd (Unhook the Stars (1996)) is cute as the son. Arnold Schwarzenegger (Red Heat (1988)) is his usual engaged, high-spirited self. It is a minor film in his body of work, but it has Yuletide charm. - And then Arnie also knock-outs a reindeer in one scene in Jingle All the Way, which is also a special kind of treat for a Schwarzenegger fan.

 

Related post:

 

1996 in films and TV-series - according to Film Excess

 

 

Watch a trailer for the film here

 

Cost: 60-75 mil. $ (different reports)

Box office: 129.8 mil. $

= Flop or a big flop (returned between 1.73-2.16 times its cost)

[Jingle All the Way premiered 16 November (Mall of America, Minnesota) and runs 89 minutes. The script was inspired by Christmas toy crazes such as the Cabbage Patch riots over the Cabbage Patch Kids dolls of 1983 and other similar cases of Yuletide toy hysteria and violence. Schwarzenegger was paid 20 mil. $ for his performance. Shooting took place from April - August 1996 in Minnesota and California. The film opened #4, behind fellow new release Star Trek: First Contact and holdover hits Space Jam and Ransom, to a 12.1 mil. $ first weekend in North America where it spent 2 more weekends in the top 5 (#4-#4) and grossed 60.5 mil. $ (46.6 % of the total gross). The foreign market numbers are regrettably not made public. A multi-million $ lawsuit alleging that the premise was stolen was finally decided in favor of Fox in 2004. Roger Ebert gave the film a 2.5/4 star review, equal in rating to this one. Levant returned with Metropolitan Hospital (1997, TV movie) and theatrically with The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas (2000). Schwarzenegger returned in Batman & Robin (1997). Jingle All the Way is rotten at 20 % with a 4.40/10 critical average at Rotten Tomatoes.]

 

What do you think of Jingle All the Way? 

Hercules in New York (1970) - Arnie's big, bulging debut

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This bright poster for Arthur Allan Seidelman's Hercules in New York, - which bills Arnold Schwarzegger using a made-up last name that would soon be retired, - certainly doesn't sell itself short

Hercules rises as a young rebel from Olympus and winds up in New York City, where his extraordinary strength soon arouses attention.

 

Hercules in New York is written by Aubrey Wisberg (The Big Fix (1947)) and directed by debuting Arthur Allan Seidelman (Six Dance Lessons in Six Weeks (2014)).

In the following escapades of Hercules, he meets a woman and beats a bear to death, among other things. Naturally this acting debut for Arnold Strong, - better known as Arnold Schwarzenegger (Conan the Destroyer (1984)), - holds quite a bit of curio value. For unknown reasons it wasn't until well into the 1980s that Schwarzenegger would be taken seriously as a starring power in his breakthrough Conan the Barbarian (1982).

The effects are crazy (bad), and the story is loony, - but you can't argue with Schwarzenegger's Mr. Universe shape. It is impressive!

Watch a trailer for the film here

 

Cost: 300k $

Box office: Unknown

= Uncertain - but presumably a flop

[Hercules in New York premiered 25 February (North Carolina) and runs 92 minutes. Schwarzenegger, 22 years old at the time, was encouraged to audition by his bodybuilding friend Reg Park, who had appeared in a number of Hercules movies. He was paid 12k $ for his performance. Shooting took place in October 1969 - ? in New York. Several scenes, including the Times Square chariot race scene, were shot without permits. Schwarzenegger's voice was deemed unusable due to his thick Austrian accent and he was dubbed over by an uncredited voice actor; but Trimark's 'original English dialog' DVD release has Schwarzenegger's voice, only not in the final scene, in which he was not present at the time of shooting. The film seems to have been a flop, but the numbers aren't available to back up the claim. RAF Industries, the only production company behind it, folded up after its release, which seems to have been solely in North America. Rights holder Premiere Pictures attempted to auction off the rights in 2006 for 550k $, but it is unclear (and doubtful) whether they were successful. Seidelman returned with NET Playhouse (1970, TV-series) and theatrically with Children of Rage (1975). Schwarzenegger returned with an uncredited appearance in The Long Goodbye (1973); Arnold Stang (Flying Saucer (1976, short)) with a voice performance in Marco Polo Jr. (1972). 18k+ IMDb users have given Hercules in New York a 3.3/10 average rating.]

What do you think of Hercules in New York?

Maggie (2015) - Suffering indie zombie downer

♥

+ Worst Movie of the Year

+ Career-Killer of the Year: Henry Hobson, John Scott 3 

Abigail Breslin looks less than well behind Arnold Schwarzenegger on this very gloomy poster for Henry Hobson's Maggie

Wade's teenage daughter Maggie has been bitten by a zombie in a post-apocalyptic America, and Wade vows to take care of her!

Maggie is written by John Scott 3 and directed by Henry Hobson (The Hangover Part II (2011, title designer)), whose debut it is.
Arnold Schwarzenegger (True Lies (1994)) is fine as protective, (failing) father Wade, but it is just painful (especially for a fan) to watch him as old and sad as he is here. Zombies can be scary and/or funny, - but here we are tasked with taking a dramatic interest in a teenage girl zombie (Abigail Breslin (Air Buddies (2006, video))) and her slow deterioration. Joely Richardson (The Hatton Garden Job (2017)) obviously struggles to immerse herself in the bizarre setup and keep her Southern accent high at the same time.
Maggie is without aim or dramatic punch. It is fatally boring, in fact it bores to the point of zombie-fying its audience.

 

Related post:

 

2015 in films and TV-series - according to Film Excess [UPDATED IV]

Watch a trailer for the film here

Cost: 1.4 mil. $
Box office: 1.6 mil. $
= Big flop (returned 1.14 times its cost)
[Maggie premiered 22 April (Tribeca Film Festival) and runs 95 minutes. Shooting took place in New Orleans, Louisiana. It opened #30 to a 131k $ first weekend in 79 theaters in North America, where it diminished in its 2nd week and was quickly pulled from distribution (by Lionsgate), grossing 187k $ (11.7 % of the total gross), and released as VOD. The film's 3 biggest markets were Italy with 337k $ (21 %), France with 328k $(20.5 %) and South Korea - in a release that didn't come until 2019 - with 269k $ (16.8 %). Hobson seems to have left the film business completely following Maggie; screenwriter Scott 3 is also gone. Schwarzenegger returned in Terminator Genisys (2015); Breslin in Final Girl (2015). Maggie is fresh at 60 % with a 5.80/10 critical average at Rotten Tomatoes.]

What do you think of Maggie?

End of Days (1999) - Arnold faces Satan in Hyams' rigmarole

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The packed, apocalyptic poster for Peter Hyams' End of Days

QUICK REVIEW:

A New York ex-cop gets his work cut out from him, as Satan comes to the city in search of a bride.

With End of Days, it's easiest to sum up the film's good parts first: For a fan, Arnold Schwarzenegger (Maggie (2015)) exchanging lines such as these:
[Bad guy]: "I'm not afraid to die!"
[Arnold]: "Good! - 'Cus I'm not afraid to kill you!"
- That's good fun. The film also has Rod Steiger (In the Heat of the Night (1967)) adorning a supporting role, - and some fair action.
But the story is a semi-religious bungle of millennial paranoia and satanism that doesn't really levitate, and some of the elements of the film are simply too kitsch: SPOILER Like Schwarzenegger getting beaten up by an old lady, or Gabriel Byrne (In Treatment (2008-10)) playing Satan, pissing fuel. Also Robin Tunney (Supernova (2000)), the main actress in the film, shows pretty much just one facial expression throughout the film. - And the ending lasts over 40 minutes!
End of Days is written by Andrew W. Marlowe (Hollow Man (2000)) and directed by Peter Hyams (Timecop (1994)).

 

Related post:

 

1999 in films and TV-series - according to Film Excess 

Watch a teaser for the film, taken from a VHS tape, here

Cost: Estimated 83 mil. $
Box office: 211.9 mil. $
= Minor hit
[End of Days premiered November 16 and runs 123 minutes. Sam Raimi, Guillermo Del Toro and Marcus Nispel were in talks for the director's seat for the film before it came down to Hyams, who had a good time directing it. Schwarzenegger hadn't been in a film for two years, since Batman & Robin (1997), reportedly due to a health issue, and was ready to mix it up. He received a hefty 25 mil. $ paycheck for it. The film opened #3 to a 20.5 mil. $ first weekend in North America, behind Toy Story 2 (57.3 mil. $) and The World Is Not Enough (23.2 mil. $), and grossed 66.8 mil. $ domestically (31.5 % of the total gross). End of Days is rotten at 11 % with a 3.7 critical average on Rotten Tomatoes.]

What do you think of End of Days?

Terminator Genisys (2015) - Franchise: Terminated!

♥♥

+ 2nd Worst Movie of the Year

The main poster for Alan Taylor's Terminator Genisys presents Arnold Schwarzenegger and the fresh stars in a heated environment

Terminator 5 has landed, and what can we expect from it? - Not much, if we remember the terrible last entry, Terminator Salvation (2009), but Genisys' wowing trailer and the return of the mighty Arnold Schwarzenegger (Eraser (1996)) in the title role (after one film's absence) made me hope that a decent, new sequel had been devised.

Right hand to the resistance leader John Connor, Kyle Reese, is sent back to 1984 to protect Sarah Connor from the machines. But the past has changed. And so has the future!

After a lengthy, narrated beginning, Genisys takes us back to scenes from The Terminator (1984), which have been recreated, without Bill Paxton (Titanic (1997)), but now with two CGI-Arnolds battling, - which is truly not a very promising sight.
Byung-hun Lee (I Saw the Devil (2010)) is disappointingly quickly used and discarded again as a metallic villain, a throwback to Robert Patrick's bad guy in the franchise's best, Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991).
In between action scenes, the characters try to answer each other's questions and clear up the soon overwhelmingly complicated and obscure plot. Genisys' story seems to erase everything that has happened in the Terminator universe previously! For fans this is, naturally, problematic. Especially because the Genisys plot doesn't seem to make much sense on its own. The past has been 'reset', we are informed. So has the future. ... SPOILER In the end, the terminator melts away as is customary, only to return a moment later, letting us know that he was merely 'upgraded.' - This is the level of the logics in Genisys, a foot-long baloney sandwich if I ever saw one.
It is written by Laeta Kalogridis (Alexander (2004)) and Patrick Lussier (Drive Angry (2011)), and directed by Alan Taylor (Thor: The Dark World (2013)).

Arnold Schwarzenegger seems to have unnaturally thick hair on this poster for Alan Taylor's Terminator Genisys

The nonsensical plot is accompanied by some, at their best, momentarily thrilling action scenes. But if compared to the action of Terminator, Terminator 2 or Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003), the CGI-heavy action of Genisys falls way short of really impressing.
Jason Clarke (Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (2014)), the clenched-jaw actor who is fast losing my patience with him, here portrays John Connor, SPOILER who is now, suddenly, a seriously bad guy! I never understood why, and it was very displeasing to have that happen inexplicably to a character that has stood as a smart-mouthed hero in my mind for about two decades.
Next major problem: Jai Courtney (Jack Reacher (2012)) as Kyle Reese. This Australian meatball looks fine, but he has all the charisma of an ATM. Courtney is perhaps the least compelling shooting star actor around today. And for some reason, they cast him for a major part in Genisys.
British Emilia Clarke (Dom Hemmingway (2013)), on the other hand, brings a lot of zest and emotions to the Sara Connor character, and acquits herself well, although Linda Hamilton's shoes are considerable to try to fill out.
J. K. Simmons (Whiplash (2014)) is a breath of fresh, at times funny air, and Schwarzenegger still has charm and a very strong screen presence. - But he is at times made to look even older than he is, (which is soon 68!), with grey hair, (yes, robots age in Genisys ...) And you know an action movie has a problem, when you start to feel bad for its bad-ass hero, because he is an old guy who gets continually and viciously beaten up.
Terminator 5 brings nearly nothing new to the table; it instead clutters everything up that the franchise has created so far. The one new thing it develops, the Genisys system, a kind of connecting program that mirrors Skynet and wants to take over the planet, seems like it could have been interesting but is the one thing that doesn't get much attention.
- The Terminator universe is terminated!

Related posts:

2015 in films and TV-series - according to Film Excess [UPDATED IV]

2015 in films and TV-series - according to Film Excess [UPDATED III]
2015 in films and TV-series - according to Film Excess [UPDATED II]
2015 in films and TV-series - according to Film Excess [UPDATED I]

Watch the great trailer for the film here

Cost: 155 mil. $
Box office: 229.5 mil. $ and counting
= Too early to say
[Genisys has underwhelmed in North America, where it debuted #3, behind Jurassic World and Inside Out, with a 42.4 mil. $ opening weekend and received generally bad reviews. But the film made #1 collectively abroad for one weekend. It doesn't look like it will heave enough tickets home to become a hit though, which also makes it less likely that two more proposed films will materialize.]

What do you think of Terminator Genisys?
Do you want to see more Terminator in the future, or do you, like Film Excess, consider the franchise terminated?

The Villain/Cactus Jack (1979) or, The Wackadoodle West!

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The cartoon-style western poster for Hal Needham's The Villain

QUICK REVIEW:

Arnold Schwarzenegger (Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)) is Handsome Stranger, who has to help Miss Charming with a money transport, while Cactus Jack fights "Indians" and tries to get the money!

Kirk Douglas (Spartacus (1960)) really does what he can in the title role of this slapstick western spoof by legendary stunt-man/director Hal Needham (Smokey and the Bandit (1977)). Schwarzenegger is odd and looks hilariously clueless in his campy cowboy-outfit. The film is mostly pretty bad; forced and weird. Very little gets introduced or explained. The flirt between Arnold and Swedish Ann Margret (Grumpy Old Men (1993)) is charmless and without legs.
Made three years before Schwarzenegger's breakthrough (Conan the Barbarian (1982)), this film is interesting mostly as movie curio. It was released in the US as The Villain and in the UK and Australia as Cactus Jack. Its Looney Tunes/Blazing Saddles (1974))-inspired crazy comedy falls through, while the overly instructive music keeps on telling us that it's all just gaga fun.
- A few of the Indian scenes, with Paul Lynde (Bewitched (1965-71)), - whose last acting credit this was, - as Indian chief 'Nervous Elk', are admittedly funny. You can see one of them in the clip below.

Ann Margret and Kirk Douglas in Hal Needham's The Villain

Arnold Schwarzenegger in Hal Needham's The Villain

This is also the film in which Kirk Douglas does this

... and this

Watch a 2-minute clip with Ann-Margret, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Paul Lynde as the Indian chief from the film here

Cost: Unknown
Box office: Unknown
= Unknown

What do you think of The Villain?
And Needham's directorial brand of low-brow entertainment?

Sabotage (2014) or, Hardcore Badasses!

♥♥♥♥

Arnold Schwarzenegger and his band of roughnecks meet you heavily armed in David Ayer's Sabotage

A DEA operations group 'lose' 10 mil. $ at a big explosion of drug cash money and are then investigated for months. When they are finally activated again, they begin dying one by one.

Sabotage is a hardboiled, violent, extremely bloody revenge action-thriller that also involves drugs and f-bombs and other cuss-words dropped left and right continuously. - It won't appeal to all, for sure.
But it has good characters; not least the two female ones: Olivia Williams (Hyde Park on Hudson (2012)) looks to be enjoying her time playing a radically different, strong, contemporary cop character, and Mireille Enos (The Killing (2011-14)) reminded me of a young, red-headed, white Grace Jones, (which is a compliment in the context.) They are good, and so are Joe Manganiello (Magic Mike (2012)), Sam Worthington (Avatar (2009)) and Arnold Schwarzenegger (The Last Stand (2013)) as the natural center of the movie, group leader Breacher.
Sabotage features cool cars and weapons and a nightmarish train-scene. It all leads forward with building tension to SPOILER a Mexican finale that is a little incongruent to the rest of the film, but still strangely enjoyable, in which Arnie comes out as the avenger from the North, good as always.
It is directed by David Ayer (End of Watch (2012)), who is also seeing the release of his huge WWII tank movie Fury in 2014. 

Related posts:

2014 in films and TV-series - according to Film Excess [UPDATED IV]
2014 in films and TV-series - according to Film Excess [UPDATED III]
2014 in films and TV-series - according to Film Excess [UPDATED II]

Olivia Williams wears cool shades, looks cools and plays well in David Ayer's Sabotage

Thai poster with a stone-set Arnold for David Ayer's Sabotage

Watch an awesome trailer for the film here

Cost: 35 mil. $
Box office: 17.5 mil. $
= Big flop
[Sabotage was the worst opening for an Arnold-starring film in over 30 years (just 5.3 mil. $ US opening weekend) and only got to 10.5 mil. $ in total American gross, which is terrible. The rest of the world didn't help Sabotage much, which didn't even have a theatrical premiere in several countries like Denmark, Finland, Sweden, Italy, Canada and Hungary. It got bad reviews generally, but apart from that I cannot explain its lamentable result. Younger male action-fans are obviously not a dependable segment anymore, (and that's really sad.)]

What do you think of Sabotage?
Why do you think it flopped so badly?

The Expendables 3 (2014) - Stars flock in really ugly action clonker

♥

+ 2nd Worst Movie of the Year

The impressive action ensemble - missing only Robert Davi - posing for Patrick Hughes' The Expendables 3

One of the original, now defected expendables reappears in Somalia and makes a mess for mercenary leader Barney Ross and co. He then decides that young meat is the solution to the problem, but soon only lands himself and the Expendables group in deeper troubles.

 
The third Expendables movie has stacked a somewhat 'impossible' movie for itself suspense-wise, because the entry is so incredibly bizarre and over-stuffed star/character-wise. It lacks fun, it lacks excitement and thrills, it lacks chemistry, and the visuals are often as artificial and unappealing as the dialog scenes are wooden and unnatural. Digital recordings of varying quality are spliced together with uncalled for CGI solutions, and the photography generally lacks craftsmanship and finesse.
None of the veteran stars make a dent impression-wise here in paper-thin, phony, ridiculous parts.
The young, new actors in the film (Kellan Lutz, Ronda Rousey, Glen Powell and Victor Ortiz) also don't make much of an impression, (and could therefore all be killed off in the start of a 4th movie I think, if they are even brought back.)
Expendables 3 sporadically has action with some bite and enjoyment to it, and the sole heart here goes to its stunt team.
The film is directed by the young Patrick Hughes, who has previously made the action thriller Red Hill (2010).

Related review:

2014 in films and TV-series - according to Film Excess [UPDATED V]
The Expendables 2 (2012) - An over-packed action hot-air balloon 

Here, another poster, - this time excluding new-comers Glen Powell and Victor Ortiz, - for Patrick Hughes' The Expendables 3

Watch the insane, and awesome, trailer - with The Colonel Bogey March and Eminem, - for the film right here

Cost: 90 mil. $
Box office: 214.6 mil. $
= Minor flop

What do you think of The Expendables 3?
Are you in agreement about the slack that we ought to cut it?
- Wanna see the franchise live on along with Film Excess?

Collateral Damage (2002) - Good anti-terrorist Arnold vehicle derailed due to 9/11

♥♥♥♥

+ Most Expensive Flop of the Year: 53.68 mil. $ range

Explosive poster for Andrew Davis' Collateral Damage

QUICK REVIEW:

Gordy Brewer's family gets murdered in a terrorist attack, and Gordy subsequently reaps his vengeance over the responsible in the Columbian jungle.
Collateral Damage is a super anti-FARC (Revolutionary Armed Forces of Columbia) freedom-celebrating actioner with a very well-playing Arnold Schwarzenegger (True Lies (1994)). It is an exciting film that avoids clear-cut caricatures and has a surprising and impressive ending.
Unfortunately, it was set to come out in October 2001, but due to 9/11 and the movie's terrorist themes, Collateral Damage was released in February 2002 instead, with a plane hijacking scene with Sofía Vergara wholly cut out, and the trailer altered to not feature any domestic bomb attack. The solid movie suffered at the box office. I think that many people all over the world were still too much in shock and/or depressed over 9/11 and the resulting, new Afghanistan war to want to see Arnold defeat terrorists in his usual manor. A shame for the film and everyone involved in it, since it's a good effort.
It is directed by Andrew Davis (The Fugitive (1993)), whose last film was the swimmer-flop with Ashton Kutcher and Kevin Costner, The Guardian (2006).

 

Related post:

 

2002 in films and TV-series - according to Film Excess [UPDATED I] 

Cliff Curtis is the villain in Andrew Davis' Collateral Damage

Watch the trailer here

Cost: 85 mil. $
Box office. 78.3 mil. $
= Big flop

What do you think of Collateral Damage?
Other films that suffered due to 9/11?

Conan the Barbarian (1982) - Prehistoric fantasy opus stretched out beyond its maximum

♥♥

Mythical, alluring poster for John Milius' Conan the Barbarian

QUICK REVIEW:

The first Conan movie by John Milius (Red Dawn (1984)), who wrote Apocalypse Now (1979), is an excessively long, tiresome affair with an Arnold Schwarzenegger (Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)), who at this early point of his acting career still clearly had plenty to learn about his own talent and acting in general.
The story is set in a prehistoric age, where the young Conan sees his village destroyed and his parents slain by some fierce villains, who then enslave him for many years. He gains reputation as a barbaric killer after he gets loose, and then goes on his quest for vengeance.

So many shots in Conan are so protracted that even the most die-hard Arnold-fan will have problems not mentally drifting from it. I frequently totally forgot what the film was about.
It is blown up to epic length (129 minutes) with a grand, fine score by Basil Poledouris (Free Willy (1993)), which doesn't serve the Conan universe well, because the film is basically too ridiculous to bear such length and grandeur.
Line after line is spoken that seems too ludicrous to even have been written. Here's one example which is testament to the low-brow level that Conan floats around in: [ed.: Crom is Conan's sword!]

Conan: Crom, I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought, or why we died. All that matters is that two stood against many. That's what's important! Valor pleases you, Crom... so grant me one request. Grant me revenge! And if you do not listen, then to HELL with you! 

One wonders if screenwriter Oliver Stone (Platoon (1986)) wrote Conan (with Milius doing rewrites) in a cocaine snowstorm. And Milius is no great director...
The film does have some impressive scenery and sets, liberal amounts of blood and mayhem, special effects and co-stars James Earl Jones as the evil Thulsa Doom and Max von Sydow as a bitter old king who helps Conan. And two sex scenes with Conan, the first one ending SPOILER with him throwing her into a bonfire!

James Earl Jones as Thulsa Doom in John Milius' Conan the Barbarian

But dang is it (generally) boring. I just couldn't care about the walking lump of meat that is Conan if you tried to force me into it, I think.
In fact, the elaborate DVD behind-the-scenes documentary about Conan the Barbarian was better and way more interesting (and more than an hour shorter!) than the film itself.
The 1984 sequel by Richard Fleischer at least has an irreverence about itself, which the self-serious, solemn 1982 here original totally lacks.
Incredibly enough, Schwarzenegger still wants to do a third Conan, which has been announced with the title, Legend of Conan.

Related reviews:

Conan the Destroyer (1984) - Arnold K.O.'s animals and pushes doors open in early-career fantasy 80's extravaganza
John Milius: Apocalypse Now (1979) Redux version - The horror of war (screenwriter)

Watch the original trailer here

Cost: 16 mil. $
Box office: 130 mil. $
= Blockbuster

What do you think of Conan the Barbarian?
If I am missing some central charm about the character, what is it?