10,000 BC (2008) - Emmerich's mammoth turkey

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+ 3rd Worst Movie of the Year
+ Most Undeserved Hit of the Year

A man perched on a cliff against a sabre-toothed tiger near a couple of pyramids under construction makes up this dramatic poster for Roland Emmerich's 10,000 BC

A nomadic tribe centered around hunting mammoths head out on a perilous journey.

10,000 BC is written by Harald Kloser (2012 (2009)) and Roland Emmerich (Universal Soldier (1992)) as one of the relatively few films that take place long before historic time, (historic time being defined as the period that we have written historic records from.)
The film first tries to capture us with a mammoth hunt, which only succeeds partially: It is often evident that the actors play in front of a green screen and are only in post production pitched against grand landscapes. Similarly the prehistoric animals, - and in particular the enormous sabre-toothed tiger that comes along later on, - are not convincing enough.
10,000 BC made me long for Mel Gibson's pre-Columbus' North-American arrival masterpiece Apocalypto (2006) and the lesser but still much better neanderthal adventure The Clan of the Cave Bear (1986), because Emmerich's action adventure in contrast lacks even the shade of an exciting story. None of the characters really spring to life either, and boredom allows us as audiences time to reflect on their eclectic racial mix and how they rapidly move from mammoth-strewn ice country to bamboo jungle to what we must take to be Egypt, mostly by foot...
Meanwhile Kloser and Thomas Wanker's (Dresden (2006, TV movie)) grandiose score pounds away and clearly tells us that we are meant to take the improbable, humor-bereft junk that is 10,000 BC seriously. This is one mammoth stinker.

Related posts:

Roland Emmerich: White House Down (2013) or, Duck, Mr. President!
2009 in films and TV-series - according to Film Excess [UPDATED I]    
2012 (2009) or, Giant Mega-Stupid Movie!

2008 in films and TV-series - according to Film Excess [UPDATED III] 

2008 in films and TV-series - according to Film Excess [UPDATED II] 
2008 in films - according to Film Excess [UPDATED I]
2008 in films - according to Film Excess 
Mentioned movie: Apocalypto (2006) or, Journey to An Extinct World

Watch a trailer for the film here

Cost: 105 mil. $
Box office: 269.8 mil. $
= Box office success
[10,000 BC premiered 22 February (Tokyo, Japan) and runs 109 minutes. Columbia Pictures and Sony dropped the project due to a "busy release calender", and Warner Bros. picked it up. Star actors, visual effects details and using ancient languages were skipped for budget reasons, and to make the production easier. Shooting took place in New Zealand, Namibia, South Africa and Thailand from April 2006 - ?. The film opened #1 to a strong 35.8 mil. $ first weekend in North America, where it spent two more weeks in the top 5 (#2-#5) and grossed 94.7 mil. $ (35.1 % of the total gross). The 2nd and 3rd biggest markets were Mexico with 17.2 mil. $ (6.4 %) and Spain with 13.1 mil. $ (4.9 %). Emmerich returned with another bona fide tentpole turkey, disaster epic 2012 (2009). 10,000 BC is rotten at 8 % with a 3.2 critical average at Rotten Tomatoes.]

What do you think of 10,000 BC?

Conan the Barbarian (1982) - Prehistoric fantasy opus stretched out beyond its maximum

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Mythical, alluring poster for John Milius' Conan the Barbarian

QUICK REVIEW:

The first Conan movie by John Milius (Red Dawn (1984)), who wrote Apocalypse Now (1979), is an excessively long, tiresome affair with an Arnold Schwarzenegger (Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)), who at this early point of his acting career still clearly had plenty to learn about his own talent and acting in general.
The story is set in a prehistoric age, where the young Conan sees his village destroyed and his parents slain by some fierce villains, who then enslave him for many years. He gains reputation as a barbaric killer after he gets loose, and then goes on his quest for vengeance.

So many shots in Conan are so protracted that even the most die-hard Arnold-fan will have problems not mentally drifting from it. I frequently totally forgot what the film was about.
It is blown up to epic length (129 minutes) with a grand, fine score by Basil Poledouris (Free Willy (1993)), which doesn't serve the Conan universe well, because the film is basically too ridiculous to bear such length and grandeur.
Line after line is spoken that seems too ludicrous to even have been written. Here's one example which is testament to the low-brow level that Conan floats around in: [ed.: Crom is Conan's sword!]

Conan: Crom, I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought, or why we died. All that matters is that two stood against many. That's what's important! Valor pleases you, Crom... so grant me one request. Grant me revenge! And if you do not listen, then to HELL with you! 

One wonders if screenwriter Oliver Stone (Platoon (1986)) wrote Conan (with Milius doing rewrites) in a cocaine snowstorm. And Milius is no great director...
The film does have some impressive scenery and sets, liberal amounts of blood and mayhem, special effects and co-stars James Earl Jones as the evil Thulsa Doom and Max von Sydow as a bitter old king who helps Conan. And two sex scenes with Conan, the first one ending SPOILER with him throwing her into a bonfire!

James Earl Jones as Thulsa Doom in John Milius' Conan the Barbarian

But dang is it (generally) boring. I just couldn't care about the walking lump of meat that is Conan if you tried to force me into it, I think.
In fact, the elaborate DVD behind-the-scenes documentary about Conan the Barbarian was better and way more interesting (and more than an hour shorter!) than the film itself.
The 1984 sequel by Richard Fleischer at least has an irreverence about itself, which the self-serious, solemn 1982 here original totally lacks.
Incredibly enough, Schwarzenegger still wants to do a third Conan, which has been announced with the title, Legend of Conan.

Related reviews:

Conan the Destroyer (1984) - Arnold K.O.'s animals and pushes doors open in early-career fantasy 80's extravaganza
John Milius: Apocalypse Now (1979) Redux version - The horror of war (screenwriter)

Watch the original trailer here

Cost: 16 mil. $
Box office: 130 mil. $
= Blockbuster

What do you think of Conan the Barbarian?
If I am missing some central charm about the character, what is it?

Conan the Destroyer (1984) - Arnold K.O.'s animals and pushes doors open in early-career fantasy, 80's extravaganza

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Epic poster for Richard Fleischer's Conan the Destroyer

QUICK REVIEW:

This is the sequel to John Milius' successful Conan the Barbarian (1982), which most critics prefer. Destroyer is more humorous, less looong, less violent and is also a less showy production.
But this 80's kitsch classic has other things to boast about. Today the film is laughable, - but that might not be so terrible, - because it is down-right hysterical. Although as an action-adventure movie, it is also awfully predictable.
Conan's comic sidekick Malak, played by Tracey Walter, doesn't seem to have any reason to be in the film, but other things counter-weigh Conan the Destroyer's problems: The overstated characters, especially Arnold Schwarzenegger (Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)) and Grace Jones (A View to a Kill (1985)) are in spectacular shape and play memorably. - The ape monster, the incredible costumes and the repeated times that Schwarzenegger hits animals in the heads or pushes stone doors open also contribute to the fun. And then there's Wilt Chamberlain (The Grizzly Six (2000) writer), the 7'1'' NBA-player-legend and, in an uncredited role as the monster, André the Giant.
For anyone with a penchant for 80's movies, Conan the Destroyer has its very own kind of classic status radiating from it.

Click to enlarge this still that has in it (from the left): Tracey Walter, Grace Jones, Schwarzenegger, Olivia D'Abo and Wilt Chamberlain

It is directed by Richard Fleisher, who won an Oscar very early in his career for the documentary Design for Death (1947) and later in life directed such huge films as Tora! Tora! Tora! (1970), Soylent Green (1973) and Red Sonja (1985). 

Related posts:

Top 10: Best fantasy movies reviewed by Film Excess to date
Conan the Barbarian (1982) - Prehistoric fantasy opus stretched out beyond its maximum 

German poster for Richard Fleisher's smash hit Conan the Destroyer

Hyperbolic, fun original trailer for Conan the Destroyer

Budget: 18 mil. $
Box office: 100 mil. $
= Big hit

What do you think of the two old Conan movies?
If you've seen the recent Jason Momoa-version reboot Conan the Barbarian (2011), how was it?