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| Mythical, alluring poster for John Milius' Conan the Barbarian |
QUICK REVIEW:
The first Conan movie by John Milius (Red Dawn (1984)), who wrote Apocalypse Now (1979), is an excessively long, tiresome affair with an Arnold Schwarzenegger (Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)), who at this early point of his acting career still clearly had plenty to learn about his own talent and acting in general.
The story is set in a prehistoric age, where the young Conan sees his village destroyed and his parents slain by some fierce villains, who then enslave him for many years. He gains reputation as a barbaric killer after he gets loose, and then goes on his quest for vengeance.
So many shots in Conan are so protracted that even the most die-hard Arnold-fan will have problems not mentally drifting from it. I frequently totally forgot what the film was about.
It is blown up to epic length (129 minutes) with a grand, fine score by Basil Poledouris (Free Willy (1993)), which doesn't serve the Conan universe well, because the film is basically too ridiculous to bear such length and grandeur.
Line after line is spoken that seems too ludicrous to even have been written. Here's one example which is testament to the low-brow level that Conan floats around in: [ed.: Crom is Conan's sword!]
Conan: Crom, I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought, or why we died. All that matters is that two stood against many. That's what's important! Valor pleases you, Crom... so grant me one request. Grant me revenge! And if you do not listen, then to HELL with you!
One wonders if screenwriter Oliver Stone (Platoon (1986)) wrote Conan (with Milius doing rewrites) in a cocaine snowstorm. And Milius is no great director...
The film does have some impressive scenery and sets, liberal amounts of blood and mayhem, special effects and co-stars James Earl Jones as the evil Thulsa Doom and Max von Sydow as a bitter old king who helps Conan. And two sex scenes with Conan, the first one ending SPOILER with him throwing her into a bonfire!
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| James Earl Jones as Thulsa Doom in John Milius' Conan the Barbarian |
But dang is it (generally) boring. I just couldn't care about the walking lump of meat that is Conan if you tried to force me into it, I think.
In fact, the elaborate DVD behind-the-scenes documentary about Conan the Barbarian was better and way more interesting (and more than an hour shorter!) than the film itself.
The 1984 sequel by Richard Fleischer at least has an irreverence about itself, which the self-serious, solemn 1982 here original totally lacks.
Incredibly enough, Schwarzenegger still wants to do a third Conan, which has been announced with the title, Legend of Conan.
Related reviews:
Conan the Destroyer (1984) - Arnold K.O.'s animals and pushes doors open in early-career fantasy 80's extravaganza
John Milius: Apocalypse Now (1979) Redux version - The horror of war (screenwriter)
Watch the original trailer here
Cost: 16 mil. $
Box office: 130 mil. $
= Blockbuster
What do you think of Conan the Barbarian?
If I am missing some central charm about the character, what is it?
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