Jennifer (2005, TV movie) or, Carnal Desires

♥♥♥♥

 

The horrifically deformed face of the titular character makes up most of this poster for Dario Argento's Jennifer

 

Police officer Frank Spivey one day shoots a man who is about to murder a young woman. The woman is horribly deformed in her face, and she has some bloody urges, but Spivey is nevertheless seduced by her.

 

Jennifer is written by writer/co-star Steven Weber (The Outer Limits (1999, TV-series)), adapted from a 1974 comic book story by Bruce Jones (Alien Encounters (1986)) and Bernie Wrightson (Gargoyle (1985)) from the anthology Creepy, and directed by Italian master filmmaker Dario Argento (The Bird with the Crystal Plumage/L'uccello dalle Piume di Cristallo (1970)). It is the 4th entry in the first season of Mick Garris' Masters of Horror TV anthology series (2005-06.

As an Argento fan might hope for, Jennifer is both transgressive and eerie. Jennifer has carnal desires in more than one way: SPOILER She eats a child, a cat, a teenage boy and that's not even all! The prosthetic special effects are made by the master in the craft, Howard Berger. There is typically disturbing music from Claudio Simonetti (Violent Shit: The Movie (2015)). And Weber is great as Spivey, but apart from him the acting is a bit dry, and the story has its holes. But Jennifer is definitely an above average TV movie and among the best of the mostly lacking Masters of Horror output. 

 

Related posts:

 

Other Masters of Horror TV movies: 2006 in films and TV-series - according to Film Excess [UPDATED I]

Fair Haired Child (2006, TV movie) - Malone turns out another weak Masters of Horror TV movie 

Dance of the Dead (2005) - Hooper's ugly Masters of Horror nonsense
Chocolate (2005) - Flavors, visions and eroticism in Garris' TV movie thriller
Deer Woman (2005) - Landis and son's solid Masters of Horror entry 
Cigarette Burns (2005) - Carpenter burns out in weird, tiresome TV movie    

Haeckel's Tale (2006, TV movie) - Another bland Masters entry 

Pick Me Up (2006, TV movie) - Cohen's so-so Masters of Horror entry

Imprint (2006) - Venture far, far abroad with Miike's hard-to-watch Masters of Horror entry

Incident On and Off a Mountain Road (2005, TV movie) - Coscarelli violently opens the Masters of Horror ball

Dario Argento: The Phantom of the Opera/Il Fantasma dell'Opera (1998) - Argento's Leroux adaptation is a kicker mostly for stout fans 

Demons/Dèmoni (1985) or, Cinema of Death! (co-writer/producer)

Top 10: Best horror movies 

Inferno (1980) - Argento's satanic, New York-set nightmare masterpiece 

Dawn of the Dead (1978) or, Mall of Death! (co-composer)

The Cat O'Nine Tails/Il Gatto a Nove Code (1971) - Solid genetics-themed giallo murder puzzle 

The Bird With the Crystal Plumage/L'uccello Dalle Piume di Cristallo (1970) - The great debut giallo of Dario Argento

Documentary about Dario Argento: An Eye for Horror (2002) - Bio. doc. of Dario Argento 

 

 

Listen to some of Simonetti's score for the movie here

 

Cost: Unknown

Box office: None - TV movie

= Uncertain

[Jennifer premiered 18 November (Showtime channel, North America) and runs 58 minutes. Shooting took place in British Columbia. Argento returned with Pelts (2006, TV movie), a segment of Masters of Horror's 2nd season. Weber returned in Will & Grace (2005-06). 6.6k+ IMDb users have given Jennifer a 6.3/10 average rating.]

What do you think of Jennifer?

Incident On and Off a Mountain Road (2005, TV movie) - Coscarelli violently opens the Masters of Horror ball

♥♥♥

 

A home video cover with a portrait of director Don Coscarelli next to the vicious monster in his Incident On and Off a Mountain Road

A young woman driver skids out on a mountain road in the dark and is soon after assaulted by a sadistic, pale monster, who deals with those that cannot stay on the road ...

 

Incident On and Off a Mountain Road is written by Stephen Romano (Our Mother's Secret Affair (2024, TV movie)) and co-writer/director Don Coscarelli (Jim, the World's Greatest (1975)), adapting a short story by Joe R. Lansdale's (Dead Aim (2013)).

Coscarelli opens Mick Garris' Masters of Horror TV movie series with a grim tale that halfway works: The scenes of the young woman and her dubious man don't really work, as we fail to grasp - and believe - that the two are married. But the raw and somewhat humorous scenes in the monster's basement of horrors with the well invented Buddy character are eerie and good. SPOILER The ending, in which the woman does a 180, is hard to swallow. 

Incident On and Off a Mountain Road is a noisy and not at all bad TV horror movie.

 

Related posts:

 

Other Masters of Horror TV movies: 2006 in films and TV-series - according to Film Excess [UPDATED I]

Fair Haired Child (2006, TV movie) - Malone turns out another weak Masters of Horror TV movie 

Dance of the Dead (2005) - Hooper's ugly Masters of Horror nonsense
Chocolate (2005) - Flavors, visions and eroticism in Garris' TV movie thriller
Deer Woman (2005) - Landis and son's solid Masters of Horror entry 
Cigarette Burns (2005) - Carpenter burns out in weird, tiresome TV movie    

Haeckel's Tale (2006, TV movie) - Another bland Masters entry 

Pick Me Up (2006, TV movie) - Cohen's so-so Masters of Horror entry

Imprint (2006) - Venture far, far abroad with Miike's hard-to-watch Masters of Horror entry 

 

Watch a clip from the film here

 

Cost: Unknown

Box office: None - TV movie

= Uncertain

[Incident On and Off a Mountain Road premiered 28 October (Showtime channel, North America) and runs 51 minutes. Shooting took place in British Columbia. Coscarelli returned with John Dies at the End (2012). Bree Turner (Wakey Wakey (2012)) returned in 1/4life (2005, TV movie). 6k+ IMDb users have given Incident On and Off a Mountain Road a 6.5/10 average rating.]

What do you think of Incident On and Off a Mountain Road?

Imprint (2006) - Venture far, far abroad with Miike's hard-to-watch Masters of Horror entry

♥♥♥♥

 

This poster for Takashi Miike's Imprint clearly indicates that the film is ripe with horrific, grueling images, gore and torture

An American journalist (Billy Drago (Supernatural (2008, TV-series))) is looking for his lost love on a cursed Japanese island, where torture-loving whores with gruesome abortion backgrounds have their home.

Imprint is written by Daisuke Tengan (The Eel/Unagi (1997)), adapting the 1999 novel Bokke e, kyōtē by Shimako Iwai (Rakuen (2003)), and directed by Takashi Miike (Shinjuku kuroshakai: Chaina mafia sensô (1995)). It is the 13th and last episode of the first season of TV movie anthology series Masters of Horror.

Without reservations this is a disgusting film, in fact so much so that one almost agrees with the series' executive producer Mick Garris and the executives at Showtime who decided to shelve it and never run it on TV as part of the anthology. But in the atmospheric, stylized universe conjured up here, and in the extreme imagery that goes along with it also lie the unshakable elements of the cultural clash that is Imprint.

 

Related posts:

 

Other Masters of Horror TV movies: 2006 in films and TV-series - according to Film Excess [UPDATED I]

Fair Haired Child (2006, TV movie) - Malone turns out another weak Masters of Horror TV movie 

Dance of the Dead (2005) - Hooper's ugly Masters of Horror nonsense
Chocolate (2005) - Flavors, visions and eroticism in Garris' TV movie thriller
Deer Woman (2005) - Landis and son's solid Masters of Horror entry 
Cigarette Burns (2005) - Carpenter burns out in weird, tiresome TV movie    

Haeckel's Tale (2006, TV movie) - Another bland Masters entry 

Pick Me Up (2006, TV movie) - Cohen's so-so Masters of Horror entry

Takashi Miike: 1999 in films and TV-series - according to Film Excess 

Audition/オーディション (Ōdishon) (1999) - Miike hamstrings your sleep 

 

 

Watch a clip from the film here

 

Cost: Unknown

Box office: None - TV movie

= Uncertain

[Imprint premiered 25 February (Yubari Interntational Film Festival) and runs 63 minutes. Shooting took place in Japan, including in Tokyo. Miike claims that he checked up during production and thought that he created something within the bounds of what could be screened on US TV, but the film was nevertheless denied screening when completed. Instead it was shown theatrically in Japan as well as through screenings in festivals in several other markets, along with on TV in yet other markets before getting a home video release broadly. It is the only film in the Masters of Horror series to get shelved due to its content. Miike returned with Waru: kenketsu-hen (2006, video) and theatrically with Taiyô no kizu (2006). Drago returned in Seven Mummies (2006). 7.7k+ IMDb users have given Imprint a 6.9/10 average rating.]

What do you think of Imprint?

Pick Me Up (2006, TV movie) - Cohen's so-so Masters of Horror entry

♥♥

 

A well-made sketch of the 'master of horror' alongside an eerie image from the film make up this poster for Larry Cohen's Pick Me Up

 

Somewhere in North America a bus breaks down in the middle of no-man's land. Some passengers hitch a lift with a trucker psychopath, while others are murdered by a highway lunatic. The two meet in the end.

 

Pick Me Up is written by David J. Schow (Mob City (2013, TV-series)), based on his own short story, and directed by Larry Cohen (Bone (1972)). It is the 11th episode of the 1st season of the Masters of Horror TV movie series (2005-07).

Cohen's entry is somewhat entertaining and at times amusing, and at least he comes off as less creatively exhausted than others in the series (like Tobe Hooper for instance.) The visual elements are alright, - especially the great big red truck, - and Michael Moriarty (Neverwas (2005)) is creepy as the trucker killer, while Warren Kole (Stalker (2014-15)) is photogenic as the hitch-hiker psycho.

The cartoon-like nature of the premise goes a bit overboard with lines such as; "Ready or not, here I come!", but what the hell. Though far from credible, Pick Me Up is actually one of the better entries in mostly low-quality Masters of Horror.

 

Related posts:

 

Other Masters of Horror TV movies: 2006 in films and TV-series - according to Film Excess [UPDATED I]

Fair Haired Child (2006, TV movie) - Malone turns out another weak Masters of Horror TV movie 

Dance of the Dead (2005) - Hooper's ugly Masters of Horror nonsense
Chocolate (2005) - Flavors, visions and eroticism in Garris' TV movie thriller
Deer Woman (2005) - Landis and son's solid Masters of Horror entry 
Cigarette Burns (2005) - Carpenter burns out in weird, tiresome TV movie    

Haeckel's Tale (2006, TV movie) - Another bland Masters entry

Larry Cohen: Phone Booth (2002) or, Boxed In (writer)

 

Watch a trailer for the film here

 

Cost: Unknown

Box office: None - TV movie

= Uncertain

[Pick Me Up was first broadcast 20 January (North America) and runs 58 minutes. It was Cohen's last job as a director before he died in 2019. Fairuza Balk (Grindstone Road (2008)) returned in Wild Tigers I Have Known (2006); Moriarty in 12 Hours to Live (2006); and Kole in Medium (2007, TV-series) and theatrically in Cougar Club (2007). 3.5k+ IMDb users have given Pick Me Up a 6.3/10 average rating.]

What do you think of Pick Me Up?

Haeckel's Tale (2006, TV movie) - Another bland Masters entry

♥♥

 

Gothic elements fill this packed poster for John McNaughton's Haeckel's Tale

A man wishes his wife back from the dead, but his wish is stunted when he hears 'Haeckel's Tale', in which a curious young man discovers that the strange necromancer Montesquino can bring back people from the other side ...

 

Haeckel's Tale is written by Mick Garris (The Fly II (1989)), adapting a short story by Clive Barker (The Damnation Game (1985)) from anthology Dark Delicacies: Original Tales of Terror and the Macabre (2005), and directed by John McNaughton (Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (1986)). It is part of Garris' Masters of Horror TV movie series as the 12th entry in the first of the show's two seasons.

Jon Polito (Son of Morning (2011)) is good (as always) as Montesquino in this adaptation that was supposed to be directed by George A. Romero. McNaughton seems unable to lift the task of making it come fully to life.

 

Related posts:

 

Other Masters of Horror TV movies: 2006 in films and TV-series - according to Film Excess [UPDATED I]

Fair Haired Child (2006, TV movie) - Malone turns out another weak Masters of Horror TV movie 

Dance of the Dead (2005) - Hooper's ugly Masters of Horror nonsense
Chocolate (2005) - Flavors, visions and eroticism in Garris' TV movie thriller
Deer Woman (2005) - Landis and son's solid Masters of Horror entry 
Cigarette Burns (2005) - Carpenter burns out in weird, tiresome TV movie   

 John McNaughton: Top 10: Best debut movies reviewed by Film Excess to date  

Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (1986) - A deeply unsettling portrait 

 

McNaughton speaks about his films in an interview at Filmfest München from 2014 here

 

Cost: Unknown

Box office: None - TV movie

= Uncertain

[Haeckel's Tale was first shown 27 January (North America, Showtime channel) and runs 59 minutes. When Romero was unable to direct it as planned, Roger Corman was approached but also unavailable due to a health problem, and McNaughton was finally hired. Shooting took place in Vancouver, British Columbia. McNaughton returned with John from Cincinnati (2007, TV-series)). Steve Bacic (Killing Gunther (2017)), who plays the young man John Ralston, returned in Safe Harbor (2006, TV movie); Polito in Cutting Room (2006). 2,800+ IMDb users have given Haeckel's Tale a 6.1/10 average rating.]

 

What do you think of Haeckel's Tale? 

Fair Haired Child (2006, TV movie) - Malone turns out another weak Masters of Horror TV movie

♥

The titular monstrous child haunts this ominous poster for William Malone's Fair Haired Child

A girl is abducted by a mad married couple, who throw her into a hole in their castle, where their son lives a doomed life of having to eat youngsters.

Fair Haired Child is the 9th episode of the first season of Mick Garris' (Hocus Pocus (1993)) Masters of Horror TV movie anthology. It is written by Matt Greenberg (Seventh Son (2014)) and directed by William Malone (Creature (1985)).
This is a really bad TV movie. It has one cool effect of Lori Petty's (Orange Is the New Black (2014-16)) head getting splattered completely against a window. But otherwise, Fair Haired Child is without merits: Wretched acting, photography, sound and a clichéd story bog this dumb creation down.

Related posts:
 

2006 in films and TV-series - according to Film Excess [UPDATED III] 

2006 in films and TV-series - according to Film Excess [UPDATED II]

2006 in films and TV-series - according to Film Excess [UPDATED I]

Other Masters of Horror TV movies: Dance of the Dead (2005) - Hooper's ugly Masters of Horror nonsense
Chocolate (2005) - Flavors, visions and eroticism in Garris' TV movie thriller
Deer Woman (2005) - Landis and son's solid Masters of Horror entry 
Cigarette Burns (2005) - Carpenter burns out in weird, tiresome TV movie  

Hear the title theme for the Masters of Horror anthology here

Cost: Unknown
Box office: None - TV movie
= Uncertain
[Fair Haired Child aired first 6 January on Showtime (North America) and runs 55 minutes. Malone returned with Parasomnia (2008). 2,958 IMDb users have given Fair Haired Child a 6.5/10 average rating.]

What do you think of Fair Haired Child?

Dance of the Dead (2005) - Hooper's ugly Masters of Horror nonsense

♥

+ 3rd Worst Movie of the Year

This not exactly inspirational DVD cover for Tobe Hooper's Dance of the Dead speaks volumes of the product it advertises

QUICK REVIEW:

In a post-apocalyptic future, youths steal the blood of pedestrians and sell it to a club owner, who makes shows in which the dead are shot full of electricity, so that they dance.

Dance of the Dead is the 3rd entry in the first season of Mick Garris' (The Shining (1997), TV-miniseries) horror TV movie series Masters of Horror (2005-06). It is the first and pretty disappointing entry by horror legend/master filmmaker Tobe Hooper (The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)), his other entry being The Damned Thing (2006). It is written by Richard Christian Matheson (Loose Cannons (1990)), based on a 1954 short story by his father Richard Matheson (I Am Legend (1954)).
The film is cut and filmed as unattractively as possible, it seems, and the content is not only revolting but also, crucially, devoid of charm or any decipherable ideas or intent. Robert Englund (A Nightmare on Elm Street (1954)) plays the club's emcee, who has an incredible amount of diabolical scenes. - Englund really should try to pursue different parts, if at all possible.
Music by Smashing Pumpkins' Billy Corgan (Spun (2002)) can't save this. - Dance of the Dead is a ridiculous turkey of a movie.

Related posts:
 

2005 in films and TV-series - according to Film Excess [UPDATED I] 
Masters of Horror: Chocolate (2005) - Flavors, visions and eroticism in Garris' TV movie thriller
Deer Woman (2005) - Landis and son's solid Masters of Horror entry 
Cigarette Burns (2005) - Carpenter burns out in weird, tiresome TV movie 

Watch the trailer for the movie here

Cost: Unknown
Box office: None
= Uncertainty
[But Showtime contracted Garris and his team of horror masters for a second season in which also Hooper contributed, which indicates that his first entry was good business.]

What do you think of Dance of the Dead?

Deer Woman (2005) - Landis and son's solid Masters of Horror entry

♥♥♥♥

+ Best TV movie of the Year

Here's a reasonably well-made, presumably DVD cover for John Landis' Deer Woman

QUICK REVIEW:

Somewhere in Northern America, a beautiful woman is roaming bars, where she seduces men and beats them to death with her hoofs! A burned-out policeman now begins to investigate the murders despite the ridicule of his colleagues.

Deer Woman is the 7th TV movie episode of the first (of two) seasons of Mick Garris' (Sleepwalkers (1992)) Masters of Horror Showtime TV movie series. It is the first of two (the other one being Family (2006)) entries by Chicagoan master filmmaker John Landis (Blues Brothers (1980)).
Landis is a damn skilled director, which is why it is such a shame that his capacity as such has fizzled out since the 90's and apparently ended in some TV projects completely unworthy of him in recent years. Deer Woman, however, is a bright hour, (also literally, as it runs 57 minutes), in his latter years.
The film presents no real surprises despite its original 'monster', but the fact that Landis wrings an entertaining and in the end somewhat exciting film from the tongue-in-cheek-heavy story, which he devised together with his son Max Landis (Chronicle (2012)), is something of an achievement.
A lavish amount of self-irony as well as Brian Benben (Private Practice (2008-13)) giving a great performance in the lead contribute to making Deer Woman among the best entries in Masters of Horror.

Related reviews:


Masters of Horror: Chocolate (2005) - Flavors, visions and eroticism in Garris' TV movie thriller
Cigarette Burns (2005) - Carpenter burns out in weird, tiresome TV movie 
John Landis: 2005 in films and TV-series - according to Film Excess [UPDATED I]

Coming to America (1988) - Landis and Murphy's second amusing but less well-constructed collaboration
The Twilight Zone (1983) - Fear takes many forms in tragedy-struck anthology
An American Werewolf in London (1981) - Landis' great, funny, scary wolf
The Blues Brothers (1980) - Try to sit still to this one!

Here's John Landis' Deer Woman's titular femme fatale, played by Brazilian beauty Cinthia Moura

Watch the trailer for the movie here

Cost: Unknown
Box office: None
= Uncertainty
[But though Masters of Horror's quality was wobbly at best, Showtime ordered a second run of the anthology series, indicating that it was good business.]

What do you think of Deer Woman?